Every Pet Peeve I’ve Ever Had, and a few more on top of that

  1. shredded carrots. These are my all-time biggest pet peeve. They serve absolutely no purpose in life. You can’t bite into them ant they get stuck in teeth easily. I defy anyone who can think of an excuse to use these gross flakes of vegetable whose texture resembles that of a cuticle.
  2. People Touching My Nose. Its so uncomfortable and not really a sign of affection, just like a gang sign or maybe a signal to tell the enemy that i’ve completely fallen for their ruse and am ready to be brutally murdered by the people I think are my friend.
  3. The Lack Of Microwaveable Bread. Why is there no way to simultaneously cook a hot dog and toast the bun in the same machine?
  4. Tall People Who Cuff Their Jeans- Its like they’re making fun of us short people who actually have to roll up their pants to make them fit.
  5. Grapes With Seeds in Them. If there are grapes without the seeds, why would anyone ever buy the other type?
  6. Double Negatives. I don’t see a point in not using annoying and ill-worded language.
  7. The Width of A Snapple Bottle. Those glass snapple bottles have the exact wrong diameter. Either you end up spilling on yourself or making a weird suctiony noise when you’re done. I see a good math problem in that- Angie had three apples, and Bart had four other apples. What is the perfect diameter of a glass bottle when one train is going east at 20 mph and another is stubbornly refusing to move?

Who Knew Peanuts Fermented?

As I’m sure most people know, passover started last Monday night. After two delicious seders, I’m done with eating for the next few millennia. But Actually. The food was all absolutely amazing. My dad is one of those people who just throws things into a pot and a beautiful meal spills out. But now, verging on the close of the second day, weariness starts to set in. Today I got offered not two, not three, but FOUR various types of food unkosher for passover (chametz). Each time I turned the food down, the other person asked “why can’t you eat this? its unleavened and doesn’t have any grain.”

So, i had to explain that because peanuts and corn and soybeans all may LOOK like a grain when they are ground up, i couldnt eat them. Let me repeat myself. Because there was a possibility of mistaking a peanut for a stalk of wheat, I was out of luck on the peanut chew. 

Along these lines: THERE IS CORN IN EVERYTHING!!!! corn is everywhere. it might be taking over the world. One day I’m probably going to wake up suddenly drowning in corn as it rains down on us. I don’t know where its raining down from, haven’t gotten that far yet. But mark my words; the day you find yourself unable to move because corn syrup has pinned you to your grandma’s nice chair will be a dark day for all humankind.

So with this I wish everyone a chag sameach and happy passover May your almond butter be creamy and your Mexican Coke fizzy.

There Can Be Miracles

So in preparation for pesach, my family and I just watched Prince of Egypt. I love the movie. A lot. There’s just one issue, I can’t get through it without crying. And its not like the sweet crying where your eyes are wet and you have to gently wipe away a small tear, this is full out sobbing. The worst part is that I don’t even know why it happens, my family laughs at me, but its actually a problem, why can’t I keep my eyes dry for a movie?!?! I’ve always been on the verge of unstable when it comes to getting emotional during movies, but now this is really becoming a problem. At least I know where I get it from though, me dad is just as bad if not even worse. He cries if you just hum the tune of “Sunrise Sunset” from Fiddler on the Roof. To give you an idea of what its like to watch a movie with me and my dad, here’s the dialogue from Prince of Egypt:

Millie: “Ruth! Are you crying?!?! The movie hasn’t even started yet!”

Me: “ya, but I know whats going to happen and its really emotional so I’m just getting my soul prepared. Also, this is really dramatic music just for opening credits.”

Millie: “you dont have a soul. while you were sleeping last night I scooped it out with a plastic spoon and just replaced it with jello. I figured it would be more fitting, cuz ur so unstable.” (side note: please notice how she felt it was necessary to point out it was a plastic spoon. cuz obviously i care a lot about what weapon she severed my soul from my body with, and it completely doesn’t matter to me whether my now gelatinous center of mind and body is watermelon or blue flavored…. lets be real no one actually knows what flavor blue jello is.)

Me (during the part where G-d comes and kills the first born): “HAH! now dads crying too! obviously he is more emotionally unstable than me.”

Millie: “well duh. he was the one who even brought your body inside and decided to keep it when he and mom found a weird baby curled up inside a cabbage fourteen years ago…”

Martin: “Was Ruth actually found in a cabbage? is that why she always smells so weird? does that mean we aren’t actually related? (a few minutes later) THIS IS THE MIRACLE THE SONG IS TALKING ABOUT!!! I DON’T SHARE GENES WITH THAT FREAK!!!! HALLELUJAH!”

and so with the closing credits my sister began to act out how she extracted my soul last night, my dad sat in tears and my brother tried calling his best friend to tell him it was okay to have a crush on me now “cuz it turns out she’s not really my sister”